I hate it

I hate feeling like this - looking back on how I felt and realising the mistakes I've made and how I mistreat people. I think the drinking has a lot to do with it - but it's hard. I've identified the circle at least - I found it really hard when I moved away and became increasingly isolated and ridiculously depressed (I can now see) and friendless, so I started drinking. This then made me...unpleasant to be around = less people = more depressed = drinking/dope. I've lost a lot of friends and a lot of myself because of decisions I've made while I've been depressed - which makes it that much harder not to be because I lack a lot of what stops people being depressed in the first place. By getting depressed about being so alone I pushed people away, and right now seem to be the root cause of my own depression. Which is a depressing thought. Bleak. Like I'm living in a box in a box in a box inside my head - and nothing is really getting through. Argh it's tough.
I've lost her - I was silly. It wont happen again, but she meant more to me than anyone. I am disappointed with myself. Hopefully one day I can explain to her what was going on in my head. For now though I'm too scared.
At least - I'm looking back and learning. How I act on the lesson will be interesting.