I hate it

I hate feeling like this - looking back on how I felt and realising the mistakes I've made and how I mistreat people. I think the drinking has a lot to do with it - but it's hard. I've identified the circle at least - I found it really hard when I moved away and became increasingly isolated and ridiculously depressed (I can now see) and friendless, so I started drinking. This then made me...unpleasant to be around = less people = more depressed = drinking/dope. I've lost a lot of friends and a lot of myself because of decisions I've made while I've been depressed - which makes it that much harder not to be because I lack a lot of what stops people being depressed in the first place. By getting depressed about being so alone I pushed people away, and right now seem to be the root cause of my own depression. Which is a depressing thought. Bleak. Like I'm living in a box in a box in a box inside my head - and nothing is really getting through. Argh it's tough.
I've lost her - I was silly. It wont happen again, but she meant more to me than anyone. I am disappointed with myself. Hopefully one day I can explain to her what was going on in my head. For now though I'm too scared.
At least - I'm looking back and learning. How I act on the lesson will be interesting.

I want to...

I want to explain myself - there is so much to explain and so much to apologise for. No-one seems to want to listen however. No-one seems to accept the fact that I have not been myself around them - as if they know better. This could mean one of two things.
A) My friends do not really care about my situation, or B) I do not know myself. I do not know which is the most unpleasant conclusion.
All I know is I need to explain myself to this girl - I am disturbed but she has said she wants to be with me, and I her. She is already involved with another guy though...someone whom she says doesn't care about her.
This hurts me so much.
What if I scare her off?
I'm drinking again. I'm feeling depressed again.
2 years of this is starting to take it's toll.
I never know what I'm going to do. I close my eyes and it's so much better. I open them disappointed that my feet are still on the ground. It took me an hour to walk back from her house. I wish I wish I wish I knew what I could do to stop this.

I have decided that my anonymity allows me to keep this blog going. I don't mind if people read it because it's not really me - to whoever reads it this is random internet man. A brief pause in thought before a quick wank and then bed.

It's little more for me.

But to me it is important.

Emptiness.