I hate it

I hate feeling like this - looking back on how I felt and realising the mistakes I've made and how I mistreat people. I think the drinking has a lot to do with it - but it's hard. I've identified the circle at least - I found it really hard when I moved away and became increasingly isolated and ridiculously depressed (I can now see) and friendless, so I started drinking. This then made me...unpleasant to be around = less people = more depressed = drinking/dope. I've lost a lot of friends and a lot of myself because of decisions I've made while I've been depressed - which makes it that much harder not to be because I lack a lot of what stops people being depressed in the first place. By getting depressed about being so alone I pushed people away, and right now seem to be the root cause of my own depression. Which is a depressing thought. Bleak. Like I'm living in a box in a box in a box inside my head - and nothing is really getting through. Argh it's tough.
I've lost her - I was silly. It wont happen again, but she meant more to me than anyone. I am disappointed with myself. Hopefully one day I can explain to her what was going on in my head. For now though I'm too scared.
At least - I'm looking back and learning. How I act on the lesson will be interesting.

I want to...

I want to explain myself - there is so much to explain and so much to apologise for. No-one seems to want to listen however. No-one seems to accept the fact that I have not been myself around them - as if they know better. This could mean one of two things.
A) My friends do not really care about my situation, or B) I do not know myself. I do not know which is the most unpleasant conclusion.
All I know is I need to explain myself to this girl - I am disturbed but she has said she wants to be with me, and I her. She is already involved with another guy though...someone whom she says doesn't care about her.
This hurts me so much.
What if I scare her off?
I'm drinking again. I'm feeling depressed again.
2 years of this is starting to take it's toll.
I never know what I'm going to do. I close my eyes and it's so much better. I open them disappointed that my feet are still on the ground. It took me an hour to walk back from her house. I wish I wish I wish I knew what I could do to stop this.

I have decided that my anonymity allows me to keep this blog going. I don't mind if people read it because it's not really me - to whoever reads it this is random internet man. A brief pause in thought before a quick wank and then bed.

It's little more for me.

But to me it is important.

Emptiness.

Or maybe...

...I'm just a completely self-absorbed, disillusioned cunt struggling to come to terms with his lack of talent, wit, or attractiveness.

Either way - let's have a drink. Yeah?

The meaning...

...has been taken out of everything. I've been working for so long to get it back. Things are thrown at us so relentlessly every moment of every day that even when we do step back and relax, we still fail to really comprehend what it is that is happening. We are detached from the very basics and the origins of what surrounds us to such an extent that what we actually get is a completely distorted view of the world.
I tried hard to get the wonder and the meaning back - but it is so hard to maintain, as you soon relax back into that previous state of dumb acceptance. This is perhaps my first coherent writing (if indeed, it is coherent) and it feels quite good. I am very lonely right now but this is helping me to look back - see how stupid I have been even over the past few days. This is a good thing.
I still try to understand the mind of the man who designed the chair I am sitting on, and the table I am writing at. This also makes me think that the functional world is full of failure. The child did not grow up and go to graphic design courses to design tables - but he was not good enough to achieve his dream. Behind every design and every constructed object there lies the stories of people who feel just like everyone else - slightly disappointed and frustrated. Never really knowing what's going on, but stuck in a world we think we have to live in.
This is a stream of consciousness - i would do well to review it later.
I'm sure I'm an idiot - but never mind. Even idiots can make sense sometimes. I'm sure Kant just had a really good editor to cut his stuff down. (A Pamphlet on Pure Reason would suffice).

I think I might just be a small mind, confused with the grand scale of life. Or maybe I just don't like taking things for granted.

It's a good thing this isn't real.

There are no less attractive attributes than arrogance and pretentiousness. It's a good thing this isn't real. I suppose I have a fear of being judged even here - but then that's the point of it. Somewhere I can be anonymous. Not a blog - just a place I can dare myself to write.

I need to keep this going.

Maybe...

I've always been on the warm side of a cold shoulder.
Maybe I'm just arrogant in my interpretation?
Either way - she can hurt me.
This is good thing.

You may as well...

...have your boss stood over your bed holding a starting pistol.